Need to vent

I have not really been able to talk to much about what I am feeling so I figured why not blog about it.. I can get things off my chest and hopefully not fall apart. As I was in NYC over the weekend I got the news that at about 630 am on Sunday (mothers day) my grandmother passed away.. She has been battling cancer since the day Emma was born (9-14-07).  I knew this year she took a turn for the worst and it was going to be tough. However I never expected her to be gone this fast and on Mother's day non the less.  This year also is the year where are numbers match up per say. She was born in 1933 and I turned 33 this year and She turned 78 this year and I was born in 1978. I guess you can say I am in denial about this all still.. It has hit me a few times in regards to the fact that she is gone.. She was more than just my grandma and a great grandma to my kids.  She was like a mother to me.  Growing up when I wasnt with my mom I was with her.. She taught me how to cook, sew and taught me to be the nurturing and caring person I am today.  I have so much guilt that I wasnt here when she passed nor did I get to see her one last time.  I will get to see her tomorrow at a private viewing but she is already gone.  I know she is where she wanted to be, no more pain and is no longer tired.  But I miss her so much its so hard.. I will never hear her voice again, nor can I call her when I need some one to comfort me nor will I ever get to have her hold or hug me. I am trying to be strong for her and for my kids.  I know she wouldnt have left me if there was another way but she was done and needed to move on so I am trying to see it from that perspective.  I know she is watching over me and will always be with me.. there is just so much I wanted her to see me accomplish like finishing school and see my kids grow which I know she still will but its not the same..