Need to vent

I have not really been able to talk to much about what I am feeling so I figured why not blog about it.. I can get things off my chest and hopefully not fall apart. As I was in NYC over the weekend I got the news that at about 630 am on Sunday (mothers day) my grandmother passed away.. She has been battling cancer since the day Emma was born (9-14-07).  I knew this year she took a turn for the worst and it was going to be tough. However I never expected her to be gone this fast and on Mother's day non the less.  This year also is the year where are numbers match up per say. She was born in 1933 and I turned 33 this year and She turned 78 this year and I was born in 1978. I guess you can say I am in denial about this all still.. It has hit me a few times in regards to the fact that she is gone.. She was more than just my grandma and a great grandma to my kids.  She was like a mother to me.  Growing up when I wasnt with my mom I was with her.. She taught me how to cook, sew and taught me to be the nurturing and caring person I am today.  I have so much guilt that I wasnt here when she passed nor did I get to see her one last time.  I will get to see her tomorrow at a private viewing but she is already gone.  I know she is where she wanted to be, no more pain and is no longer tired.  But I miss her so much its so hard.. I will never hear her voice again, nor can I call her when I need some one to comfort me nor will I ever get to have her hold or hug me. I am trying to be strong for her and for my kids.  I know she wouldnt have left me if there was another way but she was done and needed to move on so I am trying to see it from that perspective.  I know she is watching over me and will always be with me.. there is just so much I wanted her to see me accomplish like finishing school and see my kids grow which I know she still will but its not the same.. 

An Awesome Bday Card from My Mom

What was on the birthday card from my mom :) 
     "Love yourself, make peace with who you are and where you are in this moment in time. 
      Listen to your heart, if you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world, make time for your self. Enjoy your own company. Let your mind wonder among the stars. Try. Take chances. MAKE MISTAKES. Life can be messy and confusing at times, but it's also full of surprises. The next rock in your path might be a stepping stone. 
     Be happy. When you don't have what you want, want what you have. MAKE DO. That's a well kept secret of contentment. 
     There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow. You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY. To know where you are going is only part of it. You need to know where you've been, too. And if you ever get lost, don't worry. The people who love you will find you. Count on it. 
     Life isn't days and years. It's what you do with time and all the goodness grace that inside you. 
     MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE....... 
                            The kind of life you deserve. 

Emma's First Field Trip

Today Emma's preschool class went to the pumpkin patch (which was located in the parking lot of her pre-school but still was fun).  Here are some photos.  Antonio gets to go next week. Then of course we need to take a family trip so the older kids can go also. For that one we are thinking on going to McCall's for that one. 

She was all there is something on it ewwwww lol

Now get it off lol

Emma

Just wanted to show off a picture I took of Miss Emma yesterday of course she is eating but still she is cute and I wanted to show off her new dress :)

Julianna's Kinder Graduation

Julianna last week had her graduation from kindergarten. I can not belive she is going to be in first grade. Let alone AJ being in 3rd. The kids are growing up fast. Its now offically summer break. I am hoping that it goes smoothly I am not qute sure how to sainly entertain all 4 kids for 90 days lol.. We are hopefully going to take a small trip to Denver in a few weeks and the kids have some summer camps coming up. Here are some pictures from her graduation picnic :)


Here she is with her teachers Ms Kathy and Ms Jan. They were wonderful we had a great year! Julianna and her friend Jillian putting flowers in her hair lol

I was playing with Antonio and Emma and looked up and saw them doing this lol

Emma and Antonio playing on the play ground. He was trying to get her to go down the slide.

Julianna and her friend Savannah.

Memorial Day BBQ

We had a BBQ and had some friends come over. Of course it got windy and rainy but the kids swam anyway. Emma really wanted nothing to do with the water. I didnt get to take pictures of us all hanging out but it was fun. And nice that the kids had friends to entertain them so the adults could chill. I love hanging out and having adult convo's lol and company. I hope to do it like once a week lol.. If hubby will let me.

Silly Girl Emma

I caught Emma playing with a Harry and David Bag the other day and she was cracking me up silly girl!!